i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
