i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
