DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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