I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I deserve to be covered in dicks
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
