Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
