alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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