I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
