The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
