At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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