I just made out with a guy for $7.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
