Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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