I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
