You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
