i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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