I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
