I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
