Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
