nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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