I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
