1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
