The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
