Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
