Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
