So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just tell him i said nine months
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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