i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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