yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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