So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
