Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
