i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
