she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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