The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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