Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
