youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
