can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
