He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
