wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
