Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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