I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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