Can Purell be used as lube?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
