don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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