im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
