never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
