david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
