dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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