If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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