you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
