What a fucking waste of an outfit
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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