Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My vagina just clenched in fear
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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