Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
