I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
