I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
